This morning, as I opened the blinds after the sun came up, Macy ( not pictured), blurted out, " Yay, now we can go outside and jump on the castle with Holston and run and and laugh and play!" She was adamant about it. The first thing I did was cry. I couldn't even respond. She came over to me and said, "mama don't cry, here I help you." And wiped my tears away with a blanket.
Daddy and the girls watched the video of them playing on the castle last night and she still remembered it this morning. She told him last night, that she misses Holston and wants to go see him.
The girls were only 22 months old the last time they saw their brother in the flesh, it seems like they wouldn't remember him, but I know they do. Even without the videos and pictures I think they can feel that their wild brother isn't here anymore. For Macy to say she misses him and wants to play with him, makes me believe she truly does.
What she said this morning was the sweetest and saddest moment of my day. Next week will be 9 months since Holston went to be with Jesus, sometimes it doesn't feel real. It feels like my little boy should be running from around the corner with his full-of-life self. Sometimes it feels like it's already been eternity since I've held him. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. I have to remind myself that we will get to see him again. It's a never ending, always changing battle. Every inch of my body really longs to hold him, but the constant reminder of his toys, and just seeing his beautiful sisters makes it a little bit more difficult and easier at the same time. Some days are rougher than others trying to deal with the realness of grief. But the realness and the deeper the grief and sorrow gets, the more I can feel the presence of God.
It's kinda odd and hard to explain it. But He's there in the deepest moments. He continues to walk with me during this path and be faithful through it all. Even though I still don't understand His plan, I trust it. He is growing me in my faith walk. I believe He is using it ALL for his glory. My grief and YOUR grief too. Grief and sorrow isn't for the faint of heart. He lets us walk through it so we can rely more on Him to keep us afloat.
"For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief." Ecclesiastes 1:18 NIV
the more knowledge, the more grief." Ecclesiastes 1:18 NIV
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| Holston March 2016 |
I will keep relying on His comfort to get me, and us through this grief. He is good and faithful.
<3 Haley
