443 days...

“But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.”
‭‭Job‬ ‭23:10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

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It's been 443 since I've held this precious boy. The time is quickly flying by as his memory fades. The time here on earth is fleeting, and I don't know about you, but I have such mixed emotions about that. On one hand I CANNOT wait to be in the presence of the Lord and all my loved ones who have already gone to eternity. And yet, the other hand, I CAN wait because I want to spend time here on earth with the other loved ones and fulfill my purpose.

I love how God continues to remind me of His Goodness and His Purpose on the daily. Here's today's reading from "Streams in the Desert" Devotional by L.B. Cowman. This devotional has helped me tremendously along with God's word! -----

" "Faith grows amid storms" -- just four words, but oh, how full of import to the soul who has been in the storms!

Faith is that God-given faculty which, when exercised, brings the unseen into plain view, and by which the impossible things are made possible. It deals with supernaturals. But it "grows amid storms"; that is, where there are disturbances in the spiritual atmosphere. Storms are caused by the conflicts of elements; and the storms of the spiritual world are conflicts with hostile elements. In such an atmosphere faith finds its most productive soil; in such an element it comes more quickly to full fruition.

The staunchest tree is not found in the shelter of the forest, but out in the open where the winds from every quarter beat upon it, and bend and twist it until it becomes a giant in stature this is the tree which the mechanic wants his tools made of, and the wagon-maker seeks.

So in the spiritual world, when you see a giant, remember the road you must travel to come up to his side is not along the sunny lane where wild flowers ever bloom; but a steep, rocky, narrow pathway where the blasts of hell will almost blow you off your feet; where the sharp rocks cut the flesh, where the projecting thorns scratch the brow, and the venomous beasts hiss on every side.

It is a pathway of sorrow and joy, of suffering and healing balm, of tears and smiles, of trials and victories, of conflicts and triumphs, of hardships and perils and buffetings, of persecutions and misunderstandings, of troubles and distress; through all of which we are made more than conquerors through Him who loves us.

"Amid storms." Right in the midst where it is fiercest. You may shrink back from the ordeal of a fierce storm of trial…but go in! God is there to meet you in the center of all your trials, and to whisper His secrets which will make you come forth with a shining face and an indomitable faith that all the demons of hell shall never afterwards cause to waver.
--E. A. Kilbourne " http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/desert/streams-in-the-desert-july-12th.html 

I love that reminder: Faith grows amongst storms. That's when our faith is the most fertile, Or really when it's being fertilized. We can trust that God is going to plant us firmly in that well watered well fed soil because His word says that promise. 

Even though most days my emotions waiver, my faith has not. I completely believe that HE does make us stronger through the storm. He allows us to walk through tragedy so we can be a STRONG tree. If your going through a storm today, lean in to it. Trust The Lordms plan for you. Don't fear the future. Focus on His ways and just BE. 

<3 TwinMamaPlusOne +Onemore 

364 days....

The longest, yet quickest 364 days I think I have experienced in my lifetime. 

It's hard to imagine, just one year ago today, I would take the last selfie and picture of our handsome, happy Holston. That day we had to go into to meet his teachers for a parent teacher conference to discuss his behavior. I distinctly remember David saying something along the lines of this to his teacher and director of the school, " We can't put him in a box, or destroy his spirit because a boy like this will change the world." Little did we know, not even 24 hours later, his name would be know and his life would make an impact on our family,friends & community.

                                       

                                      (4.25.16 me and Holston)

I'm so grateful I had the opportunity to be Holston's mama. Even in my darkest, deepest moments, I'm thankful God chose us to walk through this story of child loss. I'm grateful for God's consistent peace during it all. I'm grateful for the large circle of people who still gather around us in prayer. Even in all my gratefulness, the ache of my heart still longs for this child. His ways are not meant for our understanding. I don't understand why we were only blessed with Holston's presence for 3 years, but I do understand the ways The Lord is using Holstons life and life in Heaven for good. 

As I write this, I am blessed with the sweet kicks of his baby brother in my belly. I can only imagine them two playing together and growing up together, how much louder our house would be. Thinking of the blessings we have, one verse comes to mind: 

                    

   Behold, children are a gift of the LORD,

              The fruit of the womb is a reward. Psalm 127:3 .

This verse is such a reminder that He is the one who gave us our children and it is in His hands to take them away. We aren't granted one thing in this life, and that is when our earthly life will end. 

    Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom andⁱ knowledge of God!

How unsearchable his judgments,

and his paths beyond tracing out! Romans 11:33

I'm so thankful for God's provision. He is continuing to guide us along with his grace, mercy and hope. He is continuing to pull us closer and closer to him so we know we aren't alone. God already gave us such sweet treasures in the form of children and the most important, ultimate gift, Jesus himself! The days are hopefully going to continue to pass quickly, yet enough time for us to see all of God's joy in each moment, until the ONE glorious day when eternity arrives!! That moment I'll get to meet Jesus face to face along with my precious Holston! I know I probably talk about this a lot, but it's where my eyes are focused. It's really the only way I can walk forward each day, is that hope for eternity.

Excited for the thousands of days I'll get to experience in eternity. Until then, I'll be holding onto the sweet memories of our active-loving-beautiful Hoston, and finding joy in the moments with the sweet gifts the Lord has already given us to hold and love.

<3 Haley, Twin Mama Plus ONE ( plus one)

                                                                

4 years a mama

(3.31.16,He just devoured a cupcake)

      4 years ago today, this precious face made me a mama! Our own little piece of Heaven on earth came in the form of 7 pounds 13 ounces on the most precious Holiday, EASTER! I knew Gods realness was present more than ever when I held His sweet promise to us that afternoon. I knew, I knew, I knew that this boy would be born on Easter. I just felt it. I like to think God gave me that feeling. Which made becoming a mama even more precious knowing Jesus rose from the grave that day. He came 2013 years prior to save me and all of us from our sins! What a sweet, precious,free gift!!

Days, weeks, and months go by, and this boy taught me many lessons. He went through 2 surgeries before the age of two, and those surgeries were traumatic to all of us when he was coming out of sedation. He was in therapy for speech and behavior, well basically because his mind was racing and he had so much zest for life on the daily that we (really I) didn't know how to handle him. But the things he taught me most of all, was(is) to love fearlessly and enjoy what blessings surround us. He really didn't get the word no, it was more like not right now. His little self was always on the go ready to see what else he could tackle, or climb, or get into.

I long to hold and cuddle this sweet soul again, I know I say it in every blog post, but the feeling is so strong and real. I can only imagine the goodness he gets to experience today in Heaven, no sin, no fear, no shame, just love and goodness and much more than our minds can imagine. I want to celebrate his 3 year life that was loaned to us by God today and every day. I want to celebrate the fact that I will get to experience him again since this is just our temporary home. I'll get to see him and spend eternity with my sweet child, and hopefully all my children and family members. He may not be here in the flesh any longer, but knowing that forever I'll experience eternity with him, is such a sweet promise.

Since Heaven gained Holston, my prayer life and longing to be in a deeper relationship with God has brought me closer to God. Sometimes God really has to walk us through a tragedy to draw us closer to him. My devotional this morning was exactly this message. Here's a piece of it:

"The storms of sorrow through bereavement are intense, but they are one of the Father's ways of driving me to Himself. His purpose is to softly and tenderly speak to my heart in the secret, hidden place of His presence. There is a certain glory of the Master that can only be seen when the wind is contrary and my ship is being tossed by the waves.

Jesus Christ is not my security against the storms of life, but He is my perfect security in the storms of life. He has never promised me an easy passage, only a safe landing.

Oh, set your sail to the heavenly gale,
And then, no matter what winds prevail,
No reef can wreck you, no calm delay;
No mist will hinder, no storm will slay;
Though far you wander and long you roam
Through salt sea sprays and o'er white sea foam,
No wind can blow but that will speed you Home.
                                                    Annie Johnson Flint "
Devotional by Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman


Alright, off to continue the  celebration of this sweet precious face who made me a mama, drove me deeper to God and taught me many lessons. Happy Birthday Holston. <3 Haley


(( P.S. I am sooooo grateful for my friends who helped keep me occupied and celebrated Holstons life with me today! I don't know how I have been dealt so many amazing, God loving friends, but I sure do appreciate you all! 😘 The loving texts and phone calls have helped too. Xoxo))

Peeling back the layers...

      God has been revealing new things to me lately in such a simple, yet lovingly ways. One of the biggest messages I have been getting from Him the past couple of months is where I put my identity.

 You see, I have always struggled with my pride in WHO I am as a person. Being the girl who made A's and B's in school. Being the young,married college student who worked full time while attending nursing school. Being the stay at home wife/mom who was raising 3 babies 15 months apart still in diapers. You know all those labels, that made me into who I am today. I realized that those labels, really aren't the things that made me who I am today. Being a wife, nurse, mom, volunteer, or anything else does matter, but not as much as WHOSE I am and WHO He created me to be. I've realized He is stripping me of these layers, so I can take pride in WHO I am through Christ, not through my own self. 

Losing the identity of an RN, changed me more than I thought. I took great pride in becoming a nurse and working to help others. Gaining a stay at home mom title to 3 babies, really changed my perspective and upped my pride even more. Then loosing the identity of being a mom raising a wild 3 year old boy, plus twin almost 2 year old girls, really rocked my world. Sometimes The Lord can be so gentle at telling us things we should change so we aren't stripped of the things we take such pride in, yet other times He has the ability to pull the rug right out from underneath us. 

Gosh, He's been humbling me sometimes slowly, but this past time it has felt more like a BIG "AH-HA" moment! Yet, he's still giving me grace and mercy every single day. 

I share this to ask you the same question I have been asking myself,  are you also putting your identity in your own self worth? In the things you do rather than WHOSE you are, and pointing back to The man, our God,  who created you to do those things? I would love to challenge you to listen to Him more, get into the Bible and really try to dig into your true identity in Him. It's still so easy for me to fall back into pride, and try to take that control of who I am, but I try to remember God is the one who is making me this way. He is the one changing my heart daily, and bringing me closer to humiliation in Him.

He can make my true identity prevail and YOUR true identity prevail. He is ruthlessly chasing me and you to Be the one HE created us to be. 

With less layers today, I send love. ~ Haley, twinmamaplusone(and one more soon ;)  )

whats on my heart today

This morning, as I opened the blinds after the sun came up, Macy ( not pictured), blurted out, " Yay, now we can go outside and jump on the castle with Holston and run and and laugh and play!" She was adamant about it. The first thing I did was cry. I couldn't even respond. She came over to me and said, "mama don't cry, here I help you." And wiped my tears away with a blanket. 

Daddy and the girls watched the video of them playing on the castle last night and she still remembered it this morning. She told him last night, that she misses Holston and wants to go see him. 

The girls were only 22 months old the last time they saw their brother in the flesh, it seems like they wouldn't remember him, but I know they do. Even without the videos and pictures I think they can feel that their wild brother isn't here anymore. For Macy to say she misses him and wants to play with him, makes me believe she truly does. 

What she said this morning was the sweetest and saddest moment of my day. Next week will be 9 months since Holston went to be with Jesus, sometimes it doesn't feel real. It feels like my little boy should be running from around the corner with his full-of-life self. Sometimes it feels like it's already been eternity since I've held him. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. I have to remind myself that we will get to see him again. It's a never ending, always changing battle. Every inch of my body really longs to hold him, but the constant reminder of his toys, and just seeing his beautiful sisters makes it a little bit more difficult and easier at the same time. Some days are rougher than others trying to deal with the realness of grief. But the realness and the deeper the grief and sorrow gets, the more I can feel the presence of God.

 It's kinda odd and hard to explain it. But He's there in the deepest moments. He continues to walk with me during this path and be faithful through it all. Even though I still don't understand His plan, I trust it. He is growing me in my faith walk. I believe He is using it ALL for his glory. My grief and YOUR grief too. Grief and sorrow isn't for the faint of heart. He lets us walk through it so we can rely more on Him to keep us afloat. 

"For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
    the more knowledge, the more grief." Ecclesiastes 1:18 NIV

Holston March 2016

I will keep relying on His comfort to get me, and us through this grief. He is good and faithful.

 <3 Haley

The hanging things...

The Hanging Things

 This time last year was so very different. I was stressing about Christmas, you know the things like family pictures, what we will wear, the gatherings we will attend, shopping for gifts... the list can go on forever. I was so excited when I found us all coordinating Christmas pj's. I wanted to have that memory for our Christmas card and so I could cherish these pictures forever.

( Picture credit: Christine Leonard Photography) 

I'm so grateful we took the time to have these pictures done because they truly brought so much joy to me and still do! Now this picture sits on my nightstand as a reminder of that joy ( a blog post on this coming shortly). 

Not long after we had these pictures taken, I was already on the hunt for the best deals and savings for next years clothes for our kiddos. I stumbled upon a sale with the perfect sweater for Holston and Daddy for Christmas 2016. We got it for Holston! During this time I also found him a coat for this year and a coat for 2017. I was pretty stoked to be prepping so much for his future. 

Then this season hit us out of left field. That beautiful sweater we purchased for Holston, he will never get to wear it. Those perfect winter coats, he'll never get to rock those either. It's so hard not to get caught up in the worry state of preparing for the future. During that moment, I didn't really think I was worrying about it, I just thought I was getting ahead by preparing his wardrobe for him ahead of the time. A couple weeks ago I opened up his closet and saw the things we purchased for him that he should be wearing today, as I was looking at the sweater with tears running down my face, scripture entered my mind: Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or wear...

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?27Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:25-34.

183 days...

Time keeps ticking.

6 months, 183 days, 4,380 hours, 262,800 minutes tomorrow since I've held my sweet, rambunctious Holston.

That means he has been residing with Jesus for a solid half a year as of tomorrow. Time is so precious here on earth, yet even greater once we reach eternity. What a life he must be having to be living with no fear, hurt, pain, suffering, or SIN!

 I had a sweet conversation a couple days ago with a dear lady who recently lost her husband who she was married to for over 50 years. We discussed our grief together. She brought so much joy to the conversation by talking about the glorious eternity that we will get to be in with our loved ones soon. She misses him badly, yet she said there is no way she could beg him to return to earth because of the pain he was walking in from illness was too much. What a perspective. She is a wise, wonderful lady.

I would beg for my 3 year old to return to this world. But I know in my right mind, he is in the MOST PERFECT place, Heaven. So how could I be so selfish to ask him to stay when he left so quickly? 

"Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things" Colossians 3:2 

I know everyone grieves in different ways, as I'm still learning this while I'm walking through my grief. I thought by this point I would be able to work on his room some, maybe even start prepping it for a nursery. Yet, it still hurts too much. It basically looks like he could still be living in his room, and it still smells like my boy.  I thought the joy of being pregnant would help us move along our grief just a little quicker, but that was taken from us fairly quickly too. So, here we are still in the midst of asking God what he wants us to continue to learn from this. How we can focus our minds on bringing him glory during our suffering. 

Most of the time I can see the things that he wants us to focus on: His word, His kingdom, His glory, His redemption story... but it doesn't take away the missing piece of heart from not having the ability to kiss, cuddle, run, play with and sing Jesus Loves Me to our first born boy. 

I share this with you all today to say, don't take your loved ones for granted. Love them, focus on them, enjoy each moment with them, be sure they know who Jesus is...so you too can spend eternity with your loved one. 

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name. You are mine" Isaiah 43:1

Jesus said, " Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14