Anxiety, Fear, Worry...

Why is it so easy to have anxiety, fear and worry creep into our lives? 

For me, I've noticed the moment I let anxiety and worry take over is the moment I try to take back control of my life. It's so easy to do. It's so easy to say to God, " I got this, I know how to handle my life." Basically just pushing him off and telling him He doesn't know what he's doing. I really wish I could control just this, not try to take over anything from the Almighty God. It's just one of those things I struggle with.

The solution, surrender it ALL to Him. Dig deep into the Truth of scripture. Truly learn how to Guard the heart. Lean into Him and let him take the worry away. I get it, its hard and so very difficult to let go of that control. But really, what does worry and anxiety really do for us? Gets us even more hyped up, causes us to feel even more out of control, and before we know it, its a huge spiral of thoughts that lead us into darkness. That is what the enemy wants, us to feel overwhelmed with fear, so we start fighting the wrong fight. The war was already won, Jesus already won the battle for us. 

I started this post on Wednesday morning when I was just so overwhelmed, almost crippled with anxiety and worry. The girls woke up, so I tended to them. Then it hit me, the reason I was so worried and anxious, I started having a miscarriage. The thoughts in my head have been going non-stop since I found out we were expecting another baby. The negative thoughts outweighed the positive ones, thoughts like, " I'm going to lose this baby too. Something doesn't feel right. I don't feel normal. Almost too normal. We just lost our 3 year old 4 months ago, no way could we go through another loss." 

Then I would have positive ones like these, " God is soo good. Perfect timing, God. That happened quickly. I'm ready for a baby!  He knows we would have overwhelming joy bringing another baby into his world he created."... but that baby clearly wasn't ready to enter this world. We clearly weren't ready to have that joy just yet. 

YET, we are still here. We are still full of His joy. We realize 2 things: 

1) God allows things to happen so we can continue to glorify his name.

2) God allows things to happen so we can surrender to him and not take control.

( Holston Oct 2015)

It all comes back to that complete surrender. Allowing God to BE God and letting him take control of our lives. It's the continuation of Faith. Trusting him with our trials and our triumphs. 

I read something one time and copied this down on a notecard and stuck it in my bible. Sorry, I can't recall where it came from, but I know it's been in my bible for awhile...

" God is constantly testing our faith by giving us trials. The greater you trust him, the more he will do through you, for you and in you as well as for HIS kingdom."

I am completely surrendering on the daily to HIM so he can continue to let us glorify him and bring us joy through the grief, pain, suffering, worry and anxiety. It's a privilege that he has given to not only me, but to anyone who believes in him. 

( 9.20.16 hearing baby Cole #4's heartbeat)

Old Time Portrait

Old Time Portrait

In May when we spent a few weeks away from our home and at the end of our trip we stopped in Tennessee for a couple of nights. I was really wanting to get the old time family photos done, so we did ( I have a good husband ;) ). The girls were ready for a nap so it was a little wild which meant I didn't have time to ponder on the situation. It was our first official family picture without our sweet Holston. If you can't tell, I'm kinda obsessed with taking pictures, and I've always wanted an old time family portrait. But I wasn't expecting to not have my sweet, wild, first-born boy in the picture. It's just really hit me since I put this picture on my desk a few weeks ago. I can imagine how really that day would have gone, he would have climbed on every set up and tore up the place. Made a mess but enjoyed each moment of it. And I'm sure with him in the picture it would have been hilarious actually trying to get a good one. 
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His wildness made me extra crazy most days, I never knew what to expect. He was on the constant go, go, go. And now, I never knew I would miss it so much like I do. He kept me guessing, he kept me even more humble, he kept my endurance on high, he kept me laughing and even crying most days. His joy for life was nothing like I ever experienced. He taught me how to be a mom, and how to enjoy the little things with him. 

I know I said it before to other parents, "I don't know how you survive after losing a child. How you keep moving forward." It's hard. It doesn't come easy some days. BUT our God is sovereign, he is good and he knows what we need more than we know what we need. It's hard to accept that sometimes.  Trust and active Faith is how we are surviving. Believing we will get to experience our sweet Holston again forever in Eternity. 

So as I sit continuing to miss our sweet boy, I will focus in on Gods love and faithfulness. He is good. He brings healing. He brings joy and gladness to those who mourn. 

Choosing to have hope in God is one of the most important steps we could have made through this process. 

We are gearing up to take another round of family pictures soon, now that this has crossed my mind and I've expressed it, I hope to be past "the firsts" of these. God is good and I will continue to lean on him for my strength. 

<3 Haley (TwinMamaPlusONE)