The hanging things...

The Hanging Things

 This time last year was so very different. I was stressing about Christmas, you know the things like family pictures, what we will wear, the gatherings we will attend, shopping for gifts... the list can go on forever. I was so excited when I found us all coordinating Christmas pj's. I wanted to have that memory for our Christmas card and so I could cherish these pictures forever.

( Picture credit: Christine Leonard Photography) 

I'm so grateful we took the time to have these pictures done because they truly brought so much joy to me and still do! Now this picture sits on my nightstand as a reminder of that joy ( a blog post on this coming shortly). 

Not long after we had these pictures taken, I was already on the hunt for the best deals and savings for next years clothes for our kiddos. I stumbled upon a sale with the perfect sweater for Holston and Daddy for Christmas 2016. We got it for Holston! During this time I also found him a coat for this year and a coat for 2017. I was pretty stoked to be prepping so much for his future. 

Then this season hit us out of left field. That beautiful sweater we purchased for Holston, he will never get to wear it. Those perfect winter coats, he'll never get to rock those either. It's so hard not to get caught up in the worry state of preparing for the future. During that moment, I didn't really think I was worrying about it, I just thought I was getting ahead by preparing his wardrobe for him ahead of the time. A couple weeks ago I opened up his closet and saw the things we purchased for him that he should be wearing today, as I was looking at the sweater with tears running down my face, scripture entered my mind: Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or wear...

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?27Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:25-34.

183 days...

Time keeps ticking.

6 months, 183 days, 4,380 hours, 262,800 minutes tomorrow since I've held my sweet, rambunctious Holston.

That means he has been residing with Jesus for a solid half a year as of tomorrow. Time is so precious here on earth, yet even greater once we reach eternity. What a life he must be having to be living with no fear, hurt, pain, suffering, or SIN!

 I had a sweet conversation a couple days ago with a dear lady who recently lost her husband who she was married to for over 50 years. We discussed our grief together. She brought so much joy to the conversation by talking about the glorious eternity that we will get to be in with our loved ones soon. She misses him badly, yet she said there is no way she could beg him to return to earth because of the pain he was walking in from illness was too much. What a perspective. She is a wise, wonderful lady.

I would beg for my 3 year old to return to this world. But I know in my right mind, he is in the MOST PERFECT place, Heaven. So how could I be so selfish to ask him to stay when he left so quickly? 

"Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things" Colossians 3:2 

I know everyone grieves in different ways, as I'm still learning this while I'm walking through my grief. I thought by this point I would be able to work on his room some, maybe even start prepping it for a nursery. Yet, it still hurts too much. It basically looks like he could still be living in his room, and it still smells like my boy.  I thought the joy of being pregnant would help us move along our grief just a little quicker, but that was taken from us fairly quickly too. So, here we are still in the midst of asking God what he wants us to continue to learn from this. How we can focus our minds on bringing him glory during our suffering. 

Most of the time I can see the things that he wants us to focus on: His word, His kingdom, His glory, His redemption story... but it doesn't take away the missing piece of heart from not having the ability to kiss, cuddle, run, play with and sing Jesus Loves Me to our first born boy. 

I share this with you all today to say, don't take your loved ones for granted. Love them, focus on them, enjoy each moment with them, be sure they know who Jesus is...so you too can spend eternity with your loved one. 

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name. You are mine" Isaiah 43:1

Jesus said, " Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

Anxiety, Fear, Worry...

Why is it so easy to have anxiety, fear and worry creep into our lives? 

For me, I've noticed the moment I let anxiety and worry take over is the moment I try to take back control of my life. It's so easy to do. It's so easy to say to God, " I got this, I know how to handle my life." Basically just pushing him off and telling him He doesn't know what he's doing. I really wish I could control just this, not try to take over anything from the Almighty God. It's just one of those things I struggle with.

The solution, surrender it ALL to Him. Dig deep into the Truth of scripture. Truly learn how to Guard the heart. Lean into Him and let him take the worry away. I get it, its hard and so very difficult to let go of that control. But really, what does worry and anxiety really do for us? Gets us even more hyped up, causes us to feel even more out of control, and before we know it, its a huge spiral of thoughts that lead us into darkness. That is what the enemy wants, us to feel overwhelmed with fear, so we start fighting the wrong fight. The war was already won, Jesus already won the battle for us. 

I started this post on Wednesday morning when I was just so overwhelmed, almost crippled with anxiety and worry. The girls woke up, so I tended to them. Then it hit me, the reason I was so worried and anxious, I started having a miscarriage. The thoughts in my head have been going non-stop since I found out we were expecting another baby. The negative thoughts outweighed the positive ones, thoughts like, " I'm going to lose this baby too. Something doesn't feel right. I don't feel normal. Almost too normal. We just lost our 3 year old 4 months ago, no way could we go through another loss." 

Then I would have positive ones like these, " God is soo good. Perfect timing, God. That happened quickly. I'm ready for a baby!  He knows we would have overwhelming joy bringing another baby into his world he created."... but that baby clearly wasn't ready to enter this world. We clearly weren't ready to have that joy just yet. 

YET, we are still here. We are still full of His joy. We realize 2 things: 

1) God allows things to happen so we can continue to glorify his name.

2) God allows things to happen so we can surrender to him and not take control.

( Holston Oct 2015)

It all comes back to that complete surrender. Allowing God to BE God and letting him take control of our lives. It's the continuation of Faith. Trusting him with our trials and our triumphs. 

I read something one time and copied this down on a notecard and stuck it in my bible. Sorry, I can't recall where it came from, but I know it's been in my bible for awhile...

" God is constantly testing our faith by giving us trials. The greater you trust him, the more he will do through you, for you and in you as well as for HIS kingdom."

I am completely surrendering on the daily to HIM so he can continue to let us glorify him and bring us joy through the grief, pain, suffering, worry and anxiety. It's a privilege that he has given to not only me, but to anyone who believes in him. 

( 9.20.16 hearing baby Cole #4's heartbeat)

Old Time Portrait

Old Time Portrait

In May when we spent a few weeks away from our home and at the end of our trip we stopped in Tennessee for a couple of nights. I was really wanting to get the old time family photos done, so we did ( I have a good husband ;) ). The girls were ready for a nap so it was a little wild which meant I didn't have time to ponder on the situation. It was our first official family picture without our sweet Holston. If you can't tell, I'm kinda obsessed with taking pictures, and I've always wanted an old time family portrait. But I wasn't expecting to not have my sweet, wild, first-born boy in the picture. It's just really hit me since I put this picture on my desk a few weeks ago. I can imagine how really that day would have gone, he would have climbed on every set up and tore up the place. Made a mess but enjoyed each moment of it. And I'm sure with him in the picture it would have been hilarious actually trying to get a good one. 
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His wildness made me extra crazy most days, I never knew what to expect. He was on the constant go, go, go. And now, I never knew I would miss it so much like I do. He kept me guessing, he kept me even more humble, he kept my endurance on high, he kept me laughing and even crying most days. His joy for life was nothing like I ever experienced. He taught me how to be a mom, and how to enjoy the little things with him. 

I know I said it before to other parents, "I don't know how you survive after losing a child. How you keep moving forward." It's hard. It doesn't come easy some days. BUT our God is sovereign, he is good and he knows what we need more than we know what we need. It's hard to accept that sometimes.  Trust and active Faith is how we are surviving. Believing we will get to experience our sweet Holston again forever in Eternity. 

So as I sit continuing to miss our sweet boy, I will focus in on Gods love and faithfulness. He is good. He brings healing. He brings joy and gladness to those who mourn. 

Choosing to have hope in God is one of the most important steps we could have made through this process. 

We are gearing up to take another round of family pictures soon, now that this has crossed my mind and I've expressed it, I hope to be past "the firsts" of these. God is good and I will continue to lean on him for my strength. 

<3 Haley (TwinMamaPlusONE) 

21 Day Fix Spaghetti Squash with homemade 

Spaghetti Sauce

(( Puppy & M begging for food ;)  ))

If you have been following me for awhile you may have noticed I may be slightly obsessed with 21 day fix meal plan! Well there is a good reason for that, its fabulous and WORKS WONDERS! Don't worry, I'll be sharing more healthy recipes along the way.

This recipe is one of our favorites at our house and makes extra! Either enough to eat on for a few days as a family or freeze. Hope y'all love it as much as we do!


Basic Spaghetti Squash prep

Prep Time: 
 5 minutes 

Ingredients

1 squash cut in half, remove seeds 
salt and pepper
extra virgin olive oil


Directions: Pre-heat oven to 375 degrees. Brush the cut side of the squash with olive oil and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Flip the squash face down and place on a cookie sheet. Roast for 35-45 minutes until you can easily poke a fork in the squash. 

1/2 a squash counts as 1 green containers 

Homemade Spaghetti Sauce

Prep Time: 30 Minutes

Cook Time: 1 Hour

Ingredients

20oz Ground Turkey 

16oz Ground Italian Turkey ( I subbed lean ground beef, hubs doesn't like Italian meat)

1 Large Sweet Onion Diced( I use frozen) 

1-2 green peppers chopped( I use frozen) 

16oz Mushrooms Chopped

3 Cloves of Garlic Minced

2-28oz Can Crushed Tomatoes (low sodium and organic if available)

1-14oz Can Tomato Sauce (low sodium and organic if available)

2 Tbsp Dried Oregano

1 Tbsp Dried Basil

1 Tsp Crushed Red Pepper Flakes

1 Tbsp Chili Powder

1 Tbsp Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Directions

 Go ahead and get your slow cooker set up and put the temp on high.  (Make sure it's super hot before adding the veggies) Pour your olive oil over the bottom, toss in your diced onions, and peppers and cover with the lid so they can soften and cook water out.  Stir the onions/peppers every 5 minutes or so to prevent sticking.  Once the onions/peppers start to soften add in the chopped mushrooms and garlic.  Meanwhile in a large skillet over medium heat saute all of the ground turkey/lean beef until it is cooked all the way through.  Drain the meat and add to your slow cooker.  Add in all of your spices and stir until well mixed.  Slowly pour in crushed tomatoes and tomato sauce stirring in between each can.  Cover and leave on high heat for about 1 hour until sauce is heated all the way through, taste sauce and add more spice if you'd like (if you like heat add in some cayenne spice).  Reduce heat to low until you are ready to serve. Hope y'all enjoy!! 

21 day fix serving is 3/4 cup: counts as 

1/2 red, 1/2 green, 1/2 purple 

Peace, The unexplained kind.

Peace. What is true peace? A quietness, a calm state of mind. I didn't truly know what peace looked like until April 2016. 

You see, God was prepping my heart, over and over and over. God led me to many different communities over the last 2 years so I could get plugged in with other believers. I struggled with finding my place in each one, yet the Lord told me to dig deep, to cling to His Word- The Bible.

So that is what I did. I made a decision each day to get up, take my time to focus on what He wants from me and how I could give back to the Kingdom. 

Leading up to losing Holston, God gave me  a message daily: TRUST ME & HAVE PEACE. It was an overwhelming type feeling that's still hard to put into words. I had a feeling something horrible was about to take place, not just horrible, but tragic and would end in death. My heart ached. I cried. I didn't speak of it to anyone because I didn't want to bring those thoughts or words to existence. Yet still, He kept placing that feeling in me to Trust Him and Have Peace. Every scripture I read, every sermon I listened to, every song I heard, lead back to those words. I didn't know when or what would happen, but  I did know for one month something was about to be life altering. However, I did keep feeling that it would be my husband. That was the thought crossing my mind. I would be a widow with 3 small babies trying to make it in this life, the thought freaked me out and concerned me.

Then Tuesday morning came. It was just normal, nothing out of it's place, quiet, even peaceful. Holston woke up at 5:30am as always taking a run and go to his door like a football player tackling the biggest guy on the team. We got up together, he ate his breakfast, I poured my coffee and we sat on the couch together while I read my morning devotional and bible and he watched tv. Most of the time He would cuddle up to me and ask to "colur in mommy's bible", that morning I gave him my highlighter and he scribbled away in my journal. I didn't think it would be his last picture he would ever scribble for me.
I'm not ready to get into details or share it all on this blog yet, maybe I will one day, but today isn't the day.
So I am going to fast forward just a bit to save this mama's heart. I will say, the moment Holston left this earth, when his soul left his body, I had that overwhelming peace. It was calm in my heart and even my mind as I was trying to give my little boy CPR and keep him alive. BUT I knew He was gone. I knew Jesus swept him up and ushered him straight to Heaven. It's still overwhelming to this day to think about why God would give me indescribable peace. I realized not everyone has that after losing a loved one or a tragic accident. Yet the good Lord let me have that peace. I don't think it was an accident that day. Yes it was tragic, yes it wholeheartedly sucks, I miss my son, I miss his hugs and kisses and hearing him say "I YOU, MAMA!"( he would forget to say love often). God lends us our children, any moment he can take them or anyone from us or allow it to happen. Death is a part of life. We all will have to walk through it eventually. I think God did allow us to lose our little boy, so heaven could gain him, and more importantly so others could know Jesus from our loss.

Jesus is alive and real. I know Holston and many other loved ones and friends are with him now. It doesn't take much to believe and start a relationship with Jesus.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9


I am so grateful for the relationship I have had with my savior throughout this past year, for his strength and overwhelming peace He has given me. I will continue to have faith and trust Him through this process.

I hope you are able to find a ray of hope and faith and peace from this today. May God give you that gift and help show you the way he wants you to go.

With love,
 Haley