4 years a mama

(3.31.16,He just devoured a cupcake)

      4 years ago today, this precious face made me a mama! Our own little piece of Heaven on earth came in the form of 7 pounds 13 ounces on the most precious Holiday, EASTER! I knew Gods realness was present more than ever when I held His sweet promise to us that afternoon. I knew, I knew, I knew that this boy would be born on Easter. I just felt it. I like to think God gave me that feeling. Which made becoming a mama even more precious knowing Jesus rose from the grave that day. He came 2013 years prior to save me and all of us from our sins! What a sweet, precious,free gift!!

Days, weeks, and months go by, and this boy taught me many lessons. He went through 2 surgeries before the age of two, and those surgeries were traumatic to all of us when he was coming out of sedation. He was in therapy for speech and behavior, well basically because his mind was racing and he had so much zest for life on the daily that we (really I) didn't know how to handle him. But the things he taught me most of all, was(is) to love fearlessly and enjoy what blessings surround us. He really didn't get the word no, it was more like not right now. His little self was always on the go ready to see what else he could tackle, or climb, or get into.

I long to hold and cuddle this sweet soul again, I know I say it in every blog post, but the feeling is so strong and real. I can only imagine the goodness he gets to experience today in Heaven, no sin, no fear, no shame, just love and goodness and much more than our minds can imagine. I want to celebrate his 3 year life that was loaned to us by God today and every day. I want to celebrate the fact that I will get to experience him again since this is just our temporary home. I'll get to see him and spend eternity with my sweet child, and hopefully all my children and family members. He may not be here in the flesh any longer, but knowing that forever I'll experience eternity with him, is such a sweet promise.

Since Heaven gained Holston, my prayer life and longing to be in a deeper relationship with God has brought me closer to God. Sometimes God really has to walk us through a tragedy to draw us closer to him. My devotional this morning was exactly this message. Here's a piece of it:

"The storms of sorrow through bereavement are intense, but they are one of the Father's ways of driving me to Himself. His purpose is to softly and tenderly speak to my heart in the secret, hidden place of His presence. There is a certain glory of the Master that can only be seen when the wind is contrary and my ship is being tossed by the waves.

Jesus Christ is not my security against the storms of life, but He is my perfect security in the storms of life. He has never promised me an easy passage, only a safe landing.

Oh, set your sail to the heavenly gale,
And then, no matter what winds prevail,
No reef can wreck you, no calm delay;
No mist will hinder, no storm will slay;
Though far you wander and long you roam
Through salt sea sprays and o'er white sea foam,
No wind can blow but that will speed you Home.
                                                    Annie Johnson Flint "
Devotional by Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman


Alright, off to continue the  celebration of this sweet precious face who made me a mama, drove me deeper to God and taught me many lessons. Happy Birthday Holston. <3 Haley


(( P.S. I am sooooo grateful for my friends who helped keep me occupied and celebrated Holstons life with me today! I don't know how I have been dealt so many amazing, God loving friends, but I sure do appreciate you all! 😘 The loving texts and phone calls have helped too. Xoxo))

Peeling back the layers...

      God has been revealing new things to me lately in such a simple, yet lovingly ways. One of the biggest messages I have been getting from Him the past couple of months is where I put my identity.

 You see, I have always struggled with my pride in WHO I am as a person. Being the girl who made A's and B's in school. Being the young,married college student who worked full time while attending nursing school. Being the stay at home wife/mom who was raising 3 babies 15 months apart still in diapers. You know all those labels, that made me into who I am today. I realized that those labels, really aren't the things that made me who I am today. Being a wife, nurse, mom, volunteer, or anything else does matter, but not as much as WHOSE I am and WHO He created me to be. I've realized He is stripping me of these layers, so I can take pride in WHO I am through Christ, not through my own self. 

Losing the identity of an RN, changed me more than I thought. I took great pride in becoming a nurse and working to help others. Gaining a stay at home mom title to 3 babies, really changed my perspective and upped my pride even more. Then loosing the identity of being a mom raising a wild 3 year old boy, plus twin almost 2 year old girls, really rocked my world. Sometimes The Lord can be so gentle at telling us things we should change so we aren't stripped of the things we take such pride in, yet other times He has the ability to pull the rug right out from underneath us. 

Gosh, He's been humbling me sometimes slowly, but this past time it has felt more like a BIG "AH-HA" moment! Yet, he's still giving me grace and mercy every single day. 

I share this to ask you the same question I have been asking myself,  are you also putting your identity in your own self worth? In the things you do rather than WHOSE you are, and pointing back to The man, our God,  who created you to do those things? I would love to challenge you to listen to Him more, get into the Bible and really try to dig into your true identity in Him. It's still so easy for me to fall back into pride, and try to take that control of who I am, but I try to remember God is the one who is making me this way. He is the one changing my heart daily, and bringing me closer to humiliation in Him.

He can make my true identity prevail and YOUR true identity prevail. He is ruthlessly chasing me and you to Be the one HE created us to be. 

With less layers today, I send love. ~ Haley, twinmamaplusone(and one more soon ;)  )

whats on my heart today

This morning, as I opened the blinds after the sun came up, Macy ( not pictured), blurted out, " Yay, now we can go outside and jump on the castle with Holston and run and and laugh and play!" She was adamant about it. The first thing I did was cry. I couldn't even respond. She came over to me and said, "mama don't cry, here I help you." And wiped my tears away with a blanket. 

Daddy and the girls watched the video of them playing on the castle last night and she still remembered it this morning. She told him last night, that she misses Holston and wants to go see him. 

The girls were only 22 months old the last time they saw their brother in the flesh, it seems like they wouldn't remember him, but I know they do. Even without the videos and pictures I think they can feel that their wild brother isn't here anymore. For Macy to say she misses him and wants to play with him, makes me believe she truly does. 

What she said this morning was the sweetest and saddest moment of my day. Next week will be 9 months since Holston went to be with Jesus, sometimes it doesn't feel real. It feels like my little boy should be running from around the corner with his full-of-life self. Sometimes it feels like it's already been eternity since I've held him. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. I have to remind myself that we will get to see him again. It's a never ending, always changing battle. Every inch of my body really longs to hold him, but the constant reminder of his toys, and just seeing his beautiful sisters makes it a little bit more difficult and easier at the same time. Some days are rougher than others trying to deal with the realness of grief. But the realness and the deeper the grief and sorrow gets, the more I can feel the presence of God.

 It's kinda odd and hard to explain it. But He's there in the deepest moments. He continues to walk with me during this path and be faithful through it all. Even though I still don't understand His plan, I trust it. He is growing me in my faith walk. I believe He is using it ALL for his glory. My grief and YOUR grief too. Grief and sorrow isn't for the faint of heart. He lets us walk through it so we can rely more on Him to keep us afloat. 

"For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
    the more knowledge, the more grief." Ecclesiastes 1:18 NIV

Holston March 2016

I will keep relying on His comfort to get me, and us through this grief. He is good and faithful.

 <3 Haley

The hanging things...

The Hanging Things

 This time last year was so very different. I was stressing about Christmas, you know the things like family pictures, what we will wear, the gatherings we will attend, shopping for gifts... the list can go on forever. I was so excited when I found us all coordinating Christmas pj's. I wanted to have that memory for our Christmas card and so I could cherish these pictures forever.

( Picture credit: Christine Leonard Photography) 

I'm so grateful we took the time to have these pictures done because they truly brought so much joy to me and still do! Now this picture sits on my nightstand as a reminder of that joy ( a blog post on this coming shortly). 

Not long after we had these pictures taken, I was already on the hunt for the best deals and savings for next years clothes for our kiddos. I stumbled upon a sale with the perfect sweater for Holston and Daddy for Christmas 2016. We got it for Holston! During this time I also found him a coat for this year and a coat for 2017. I was pretty stoked to be prepping so much for his future. 

Then this season hit us out of left field. That beautiful sweater we purchased for Holston, he will never get to wear it. Those perfect winter coats, he'll never get to rock those either. It's so hard not to get caught up in the worry state of preparing for the future. During that moment, I didn't really think I was worrying about it, I just thought I was getting ahead by preparing his wardrobe for him ahead of the time. A couple weeks ago I opened up his closet and saw the things we purchased for him that he should be wearing today, as I was looking at the sweater with tears running down my face, scripture entered my mind: Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or wear...

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?27Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:25-34.

183 days...

Time keeps ticking.

6 months, 183 days, 4,380 hours, 262,800 minutes tomorrow since I've held my sweet, rambunctious Holston.

That means he has been residing with Jesus for a solid half a year as of tomorrow. Time is so precious here on earth, yet even greater once we reach eternity. What a life he must be having to be living with no fear, hurt, pain, suffering, or SIN!

 I had a sweet conversation a couple days ago with a dear lady who recently lost her husband who she was married to for over 50 years. We discussed our grief together. She brought so much joy to the conversation by talking about the glorious eternity that we will get to be in with our loved ones soon. She misses him badly, yet she said there is no way she could beg him to return to earth because of the pain he was walking in from illness was too much. What a perspective. She is a wise, wonderful lady.

I would beg for my 3 year old to return to this world. But I know in my right mind, he is in the MOST PERFECT place, Heaven. So how could I be so selfish to ask him to stay when he left so quickly? 

"Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things" Colossians 3:2 

I know everyone grieves in different ways, as I'm still learning this while I'm walking through my grief. I thought by this point I would be able to work on his room some, maybe even start prepping it for a nursery. Yet, it still hurts too much. It basically looks like he could still be living in his room, and it still smells like my boy.  I thought the joy of being pregnant would help us move along our grief just a little quicker, but that was taken from us fairly quickly too. So, here we are still in the midst of asking God what he wants us to continue to learn from this. How we can focus our minds on bringing him glory during our suffering. 

Most of the time I can see the things that he wants us to focus on: His word, His kingdom, His glory, His redemption story... but it doesn't take away the missing piece of heart from not having the ability to kiss, cuddle, run, play with and sing Jesus Loves Me to our first born boy. 

I share this with you all today to say, don't take your loved ones for granted. Love them, focus on them, enjoy each moment with them, be sure they know who Jesus is...so you too can spend eternity with your loved one. 

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name. You are mine" Isaiah 43:1

Jesus said, " Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

Anxiety, Fear, Worry...

Why is it so easy to have anxiety, fear and worry creep into our lives? 

For me, I've noticed the moment I let anxiety and worry take over is the moment I try to take back control of my life. It's so easy to do. It's so easy to say to God, " I got this, I know how to handle my life." Basically just pushing him off and telling him He doesn't know what he's doing. I really wish I could control just this, not try to take over anything from the Almighty God. It's just one of those things I struggle with.

The solution, surrender it ALL to Him. Dig deep into the Truth of scripture. Truly learn how to Guard the heart. Lean into Him and let him take the worry away. I get it, its hard and so very difficult to let go of that control. But really, what does worry and anxiety really do for us? Gets us even more hyped up, causes us to feel even more out of control, and before we know it, its a huge spiral of thoughts that lead us into darkness. That is what the enemy wants, us to feel overwhelmed with fear, so we start fighting the wrong fight. The war was already won, Jesus already won the battle for us. 

I started this post on Wednesday morning when I was just so overwhelmed, almost crippled with anxiety and worry. The girls woke up, so I tended to them. Then it hit me, the reason I was so worried and anxious, I started having a miscarriage. The thoughts in my head have been going non-stop since I found out we were expecting another baby. The negative thoughts outweighed the positive ones, thoughts like, " I'm going to lose this baby too. Something doesn't feel right. I don't feel normal. Almost too normal. We just lost our 3 year old 4 months ago, no way could we go through another loss." 

Then I would have positive ones like these, " God is soo good. Perfect timing, God. That happened quickly. I'm ready for a baby!  He knows we would have overwhelming joy bringing another baby into his world he created."... but that baby clearly wasn't ready to enter this world. We clearly weren't ready to have that joy just yet. 

YET, we are still here. We are still full of His joy. We realize 2 things: 

1) God allows things to happen so we can continue to glorify his name.

2) God allows things to happen so we can surrender to him and not take control.

( Holston Oct 2015)

It all comes back to that complete surrender. Allowing God to BE God and letting him take control of our lives. It's the continuation of Faith. Trusting him with our trials and our triumphs. 

I read something one time and copied this down on a notecard and stuck it in my bible. Sorry, I can't recall where it came from, but I know it's been in my bible for awhile...

" God is constantly testing our faith by giving us trials. The greater you trust him, the more he will do through you, for you and in you as well as for HIS kingdom."

I am completely surrendering on the daily to HIM so he can continue to let us glorify him and bring us joy through the grief, pain, suffering, worry and anxiety. It's a privilege that he has given to not only me, but to anyone who believes in him. 

( 9.20.16 hearing baby Cole #4's heartbeat)

Old Time Portrait

Old Time Portrait

In May when we spent a few weeks away from our home and at the end of our trip we stopped in Tennessee for a couple of nights. I was really wanting to get the old time family photos done, so we did ( I have a good husband ;) ). The girls were ready for a nap so it was a little wild which meant I didn't have time to ponder on the situation. It was our first official family picture without our sweet Holston. If you can't tell, I'm kinda obsessed with taking pictures, and I've always wanted an old time family portrait. But I wasn't expecting to not have my sweet, wild, first-born boy in the picture. It's just really hit me since I put this picture on my desk a few weeks ago. I can imagine how really that day would have gone, he would have climbed on every set up and tore up the place. Made a mess but enjoyed each moment of it. And I'm sure with him in the picture it would have been hilarious actually trying to get a good one. 
.
His wildness made me extra crazy most days, I never knew what to expect. He was on the constant go, go, go. And now, I never knew I would miss it so much like I do. He kept me guessing, he kept me even more humble, he kept my endurance on high, he kept me laughing and even crying most days. His joy for life was nothing like I ever experienced. He taught me how to be a mom, and how to enjoy the little things with him. 

I know I said it before to other parents, "I don't know how you survive after losing a child. How you keep moving forward." It's hard. It doesn't come easy some days. BUT our God is sovereign, he is good and he knows what we need more than we know what we need. It's hard to accept that sometimes.  Trust and active Faith is how we are surviving. Believing we will get to experience our sweet Holston again forever in Eternity. 

So as I sit continuing to miss our sweet boy, I will focus in on Gods love and faithfulness. He is good. He brings healing. He brings joy and gladness to those who mourn. 

Choosing to have hope in God is one of the most important steps we could have made through this process. 

We are gearing up to take another round of family pictures soon, now that this has crossed my mind and I've expressed it, I hope to be past "the firsts" of these. God is good and I will continue to lean on him for my strength. 

<3 Haley (TwinMamaPlusONE)